Hi Reader
There is something I want every parent of an incoming college freshman to understand:
The best time for your child to learn how to ask for help is before they desperately need it.
I know this because I did not ask for help when I went to college.
I did not talk to my professors. I did not go to office hours. I did not ask an advisor what I should do when I started falling behind. I did not tell anyone how overwhelmed I was becoming.
Instead, I skipped class.
Then I skipped more classes.
By Halloween, I had dropped out.
At the time, I thought asking for help was for babies. I believed I should have had everything figured out on my own. I thought being mature meant handling everything without needing anyone.
What I did not understand was that asking for help was actually the mature thing to do.
I did not know that most of the adults on campus were not waiting to berate me, shame me, or tell me I was failing. Most of them would have wanted to help me. They would have helped me understand my options, figure out my next step, or connect me with someone who could support me.
But I never gave them the chance.
That is one of the reasons I care so much about helping students find support before they are completely overwhelmed.
The first several weeks of college matter more than most families realize. During those early weeks, students are trying to figure out where their classes are, how long it takes to walk across campus, when they should eat, how to do laundry, how to manage assignments, and how to live with people they barely know.
At the same time, they are trying to make friends, manage homesickness, understand their professors, and convince everyone, including themselves, that they have everything under control.
That is a lot.
The problem is that many students wait until they are completely overwhelmed before they look for support. They may know that their college has tutoring, counseling, academic advising, disability services, and health services, but knowing those services exist is not the same as knowing how to use them.
Do they know where the tutoring center is?
Do they know whether they need an appointment?
Do they know how to contact their academic advisor?
Do they know how to find their professor’s office hours?
Do they know where to go if they are sick?
Do they know what counseling services are available and how long it takes to get an appointment?
These questions may sound basic, but they become much harder to answer when a student is already panicked. That is why I want students to find these resources before they need them.
Before classes begin, ask your student to locate their academic advisor’s name and contact information, the tutoring or academic support center, the campus counseling center, the student health center, and their professors’ office hours or office-hour policy.
They do not have to use every service right away. The goal is simply to make the first step easier if they need support later.
And that first step does not always have to be a conversation with an older adult.
Many academic advisors are only a few years older than the students they serve. Resident assistants are usually close in age, too. That can feel much less intimidating to a freshman who is nervous about talking to a professor, counselor, or administrator.
Sometimes a student may be more willing to say to an RA, “I am really struggling, and I do not know what to do,” than to walk into a professor’s office.
That still counts as asking for help.
The important thing is that they tell someone.
Practice Asking for Help While Things Are Calm
Asking for help is a skill. It is not something every student automatically knows how to do just because they turned 18 or moved into a dorm.
Some students worry that asking for help means they are failing. Some do not know what to say. Some are afraid the professor, advisor, or counselor will think they should already know the answer.
I understand that thinking because I had it myself.
You can help your student practice simple questions such as:
“Could you help me understand what my next step should be?”
“I am confused about this assignment. When could I come to office hours?”
“I think I am falling behind. What support is available?”
“I am feeling overwhelmed. Who would be a good person for me to talk to?”
“I would like to schedule an appointment. How do I get started?”
These conversations are much easier to practice before your student is scared, exhausted, or ashamed.
Parents Need to Prepare, Too
Parents often wait until there is a meltdown before they start asking questions. Then, because we are scared, our questions can quickly turn into reminders, instructions, or an interrogation.
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“Have you talked to your professor?”
“Did you go to tutoring?”
“What are you going to do about this?”
Those questions make sense because you are trying to help. But when your student is already overwhelmed, they may hear those questions as criticism instead of support.
You can begin practicing better questions now:
“What do you think your next step is?”
“Who on campus could help you with this?”
“Who would feel easiest to talk to first?”
“What have you already tried?”
“Would you like me to listen, help you think it through, or help you make a plan?”
The goal is not to solve every problem for them. The goal is to help them build the skills to recognize a problem, find the right person, and take the next step.
Early Support Builds Independence
Sometimes parents worry that encouraging their freshman to use support services will make them dependent.
I believe the opposite is true.
Knowing how to find tutoring, contact an advisor, visit a professor, talk to an RA, or make a counseling appointment is part of becoming an independent adult.
Independence does not mean doing everything alone. It means knowing when you need support, knowing where to find it, and being willing to ask for it.
Your freshman does not need to arrive at college knowing how to handle every situation. But they do need a plan for what to do when they do not know what to do.
I wish someone had helped me understand that when I went to college.
I wish I had known that asking for help would not have made me weak, immature, or incapable.
It may have been the most grown-up thing I could have done.
That is one of the reasons I created Before You Call Home, a resource designed to help college freshmen pause, assess the situation, and identify their next step before automatically asking a parent to solve the problem.
You can get your copy here:
The goal is not to stop your freshman from calling you. The goal is to help those calls become less about rescuing and more about connection, encouragement, and problem-solving.
Because the best time to prepare your student for a difficult week is before the difficult week begins.
And if you are thinking, “This sounds helpful, but I am not sure my freshman will actually sit down and do it,” that is exactly why this is part of The Resilient Launch.
Inside the program, I will sit down with your freshman and help them find their campus resources, gather the contact information, and complete their plan with them. They will not just receive another worksheet that gets buried in their inbox or left unfinished on the kitchen counter. We will do the work together so they know where to go, who to contact, and what to say when they need help.
The Resilient Launch is designed to help incoming college freshmen build the practical skills they need to manage their time, stress, responsibilities, and next steps without parents having to constantly remind, rescue, or step in.
I will be opening a limited number of spots soon. Join the priority list to be one of the first families to receive the program details and learn how to enroll.
"The crisis usually did not begin on the night of the crisis. It began several weeks earlier with one small problem, the student did not know how to address."
