Hi Reader

When my daughter was in high school, she wanted to quit her part-time job as a grocery sacker.

I asked her what she didn’t like about it.

She didn’t like going in and out of the cold, and she didn’t like cleaning the bathroom.

I understood. Those were annoying parts of the job.

I told her she could look for another job, but she needed to have a new one lined up before she quit.

She didn’t want to look for another job, so she stayed where she was and made it work.

She had a choice, and both options required something from her.

I used a similar approach with other expectations in our family.

My children had to participate in an activity, but they could help choose it.

My daughter tried piano and didn’t like it. When she could choose a band instrument in fifth grade, she picked saxophone and stopped piano.

They had to volunteer somewhere, but they chose where. Each holiday, they used some of their money to donate to a cause they selected.

Those were our family’s expectations. Yours may look different.

But here’s the question I want us to consider:

What are we hoping our children will learn, and where can they have a meaningful say in how they learn it?

Sometimes we get attached to the activity, place, or method we prefer. Then the conversation becomes a fight over our solution.

My Perception → Process → Plan framework helps us open that conversation.

Perception: Ask what is difficult before deciding what “I want to quit” means. Also ask yourself what you’re trying to teach.

Process: Acknowledge the feeling and help your teen think through the options. “I understand why you don’t enjoy that part. Let’s talk about what you could do.”

Plan: Choose a specific next step together. Looking for a different job might begin with one application. Trying an activity might begin with finding out what participation involves.

When anxiety is part of the picture, we can also look for manageable choices within a supported plan. A teen who wants to speak more in class might help choose what to prepare or how to ask the teacher for support.

This doesn’t mean every situation should be endured. Unsafe conditions, serious distress, and unmet needs require attention. It means we can help teens practice making decisions while listening carefully to what they need.

This week, ask yourself:

“Am I holding an expectation that matters, or am I holding tightly to my preferred way of meeting it?”

Watch or listen: Hard Things, Real Choices: Giving Your Teen a Say​
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In my upcoming parent masterclass, we’ll use Perception → Process → Plan to understand anxiety, respond to the feelings, and choose a manageable way forward.

Details coming soon.

Your teen’s way forward may look different from the one you pictured. There can be valuable learning in helping them choose it.

Cynthia

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