Is your college anxiety becoming their anxiety?

Hi Reader,

What if the anxiety you feel during your child’s college admissions process is not just affecting you?

What if it is quietly shaping their experience, too?

I recently talked with Lisa Goldstein, a former school counselor, college consultant, and author of The Compassionate College Process: Guiding Your Teen With Less Stress and More Joy.

During our conversation, Lisa described some of the common traps parents fall into while trying to help their teens:

Comparing their child to a neighbor, cousin, sibling, or someone on social media
Encouraging more activities because they might “look good” on an application
Focusing on the name or prestige of a college instead of whether it fits their child
Repeatedly telling their teen what they “should” be doing
Taking over applications, essays, or communication when their child becomes overwhelmed

None of these things means someone is a bad parent.

Most of the time, they come from love, worry, and a very understandable desire to give our children every possible opportunity.

I also think parents sometimes use their child’s accomplishments to measure how they are doing.

If my child earns good grades, gets a high test score, or is accepted into a prestigious college, maybe that means I did a good job.

If those things do not happen, maybe I did something wrong.

But your child’s college acceptance is not a grade on your parenting.

And where your child attends college does not determine who they are, how much potential they have, or what they will eventually accomplish.

Look for strengths instead of comparisons

Lisa shared one exercise that I especially loved.

Make a list of the strengths you see in your child, and encourage them to make their own list.

These strengths do not have to be academic or impressive on a résumé.

Maybe your child checks on their grandparents every week.

Maybe friends come to them when they need someone who will listen.

Maybe they can fix almost any computer problem.

Maybe they notice when someone feels left out.

Maybe they become completely absorbed when they are creating, researching, building, helping, or solving something.

These qualities tell you something important about who your child is.

They can also help your child find activities, possible careers, and colleges that fit them, instead of trying to force themselves into someone else’s version of success.

Help without taking over

When a teen is staring at multiple applications, essays, and deadlines, it can be tempting to jump in and take something off their plate.

Helping them break the work into smaller steps is supportive.

Taking over the work prevents them from developing the skills they will need when they leave for college.

Instead of saying:

“You have 12 applications due. Why haven’t you started?”

You might say:

“I can see why this feels overwhelming. What is one small piece you could finish today?”

Then notice what they completed before asking about the next thing.

“You finished those three questions. That is progress.”

College applications are not just tasks to complete. They are opportunities for teens to practice planning, communicating, reflecting, managing discomfort, and asking for help.

Those are skills they will need long after the final application is submitted.

Pay attention to the “shoulds”

Your teen should earn all A’s.

They should get a particular SAT or ACT score.

They should apply to certain colleges.

They should ask another student what they did to get accepted.

Each “should” can carry an unintended message:

“If I do not accomplish this, my parents will be disappointed in me.”

A more helpful message might be:

“I am already proud of who you are and what you have accomplished. We are going to find options that fit you.”

Your child needs to know that there is more than one school where they can learn, grow, form meaningful relationships, and create a successful future.

There is not one acceptance letter that will determine the rest of their life.

Your coping matters, too

If you notice yourself becoming consumed by deadlines, test scores, college rankings, or what other families are doing, that may be your signal to step back and take care of your own anxiety.

Talk with someone you trust. Take a walk. Spend some time outside. Practice breathing or meditation. Write down what you are grateful for. Give yourself permission to stop reading college comparison posts for a while.

Our teens learn coping skills partly by watching us use them.

You do not have to pretend that you never feel anxious. You can show your child what it looks like to notice anxiety, care for yourself, and make a thoughtful decision instead of reacting from fear.

Lisa and I talk about all of this in our latest podcast conversation:

Watch the full episode now!

And if you would like to hear more and ask Lisa your own questions, join us for our free live presentation:

Anxiety Is Contagious: Supporting Your Teen Through College Admissions

Tuesday, September 29
6:00 PM CDT

REGISTER FOR THE FREE PRESENTATION

The college process does not have to take over your family’s life or damage your relationship during your child’s final years at home.

You can support their future while still protecting their well-being, their independence, and your connection with them.

Cynthia

Lisa's Bio and Links:

Lisa Goldstein has spent over 20 years working with hundreds of families navigating the college admissions process, both as a school counselor and as a college consultant in her private practice, Your College Process. She holds a Master's in Counselor Education from Hofstra University and is the author of The Compassionate College Process: Guiding Your Teen With Less Stress and More Joy. Lisa's approach is built on one core belief: the right college is the one that's right for your kid — not the one that looks best on a bumper sticker. Lisa works with families one-on-one through Your College Process, her private consulting practice based in West Hartford, CT

Check out her contact info below. ⬇️