Hi Reader
Have you ever had one small thing happen, and before you know it, your brain has turned it into evidence that everything is starting to fall apart?
You miss one deadline, and your brain says, “You’re getting behind.”
Your teen has a difficult morning, and your brain says, “We’re going backward.”
Your college student does not answer a text, and your brain begins creating an entire story about what might be wrong.
Our brains can move very quickly from describing one moment to creating a negative story about who we are, what is happening, and what will happen next.
I was recently talking with a college student I coach. She told me that her semester was going well. She was getting involved, meeting people, joining activities, and being much more intentional about her college experience.
Then she said, “I can kind of feel myself slipping a little, and I’m working really hard not to let that happen.”
That word, slipping, caught my attention.
I asked her what felt like it was slipping.
She explained that she had gone home for an appointment and missed one day of class. The absence was planned. She knew it would mean sending a few emails and catching up on some work.
The facts were manageable.
But her thoughts were connecting this one missed day to difficult experiences she had had in high school and during previous semesters.
Her brain was not simply saying, “I missed Monday’s classes.”
It was saying, “Here we go again. You’re falling behind. You’re starting to mess this up.”
Our brains do this because they are trying to protect us.
They take something happening in the present, search through our past for another time that felt similar, and warn us that the old experience may be happening again.
The problem is that our brains often use fear, criticism, and worst-case scenarios to get our attention.
We may even believe that being hard on ourselves will motivate us. We think that if we criticize ourselves enough, we will finally get organized, work harder, or stop making mistakes.
Usually, the opposite happens.
Mean thoughts make us feel ashamed, defeated, or overwhelmed. Then we are more likely to avoid the very thing that needs our attention.
“I missed a class, so I need to send two emails” gives us somewhere to go.
“I’m messing everything up again” does not.
We have to steer our minds
When a child is moving in an unhelpful direction, we do not simply stand back and say, “Well, I guess that is where they are going.”
We guide them.
We remind them.
We redirect them.
Sometimes we have to do it repeatedly.
Our minds need that same kind of guidance.
We cannot always control which thoughts enter our minds, but we can decide which thoughts get the steering wheel.
We can practice this using my Perception, Process, and Plan framework.
Perception: What happened, and what story did I add?
Begin by separating the facts from the story your brain created.
For this student, the fact was:
“I missed one day of class because I had an appointment.”
The story was:
“I’m slipping. I’m falling behind. This is going to become what happened before.”
Those are not the same thing.
When you notice your thoughts running away from you, ask:
- What do I know actually happened?
- What am I assuming this means?
- Am I responding to what is happening today, or to something that happened in the past?
Something happening before does not mean it is happening again.
Process: What is this thought trying to do?
Instead of immediately believing the thought or becoming angry with yourself for having it, get curious.
You might say:
“I understand why my brain is worried about this.”
“This reminds me of something difficult from my past.”
“My brain is trying to protect me, but is this thought helping me handle what is happening today?”
You can even give your critical voice a character or a name.
When I imagine my critical voice, I picture the crabby grandmother from Downton Abbey. She was often critical, but she probably believed being stern was how she helped people improve.
That is how our critical thoughts sometimes operate. They believe that if they are strict or mean enough, we will shape up.
Separating yourself from that voice allows you to respond:
“Thank you for trying to help me, but I do not need that today.”
A thought is something your brain produced. It is not automatically a fact, a command, or a description of who you are.
Plan: What thought and action would help me move forward?
The goal is not to replace every difficult thought with an overly positive one.
Instead, look for a thought that is accurate, useful, and kind.
For this student, that might be:
“I missed one day, but I know why I missed it.”
“I have a few emails to send, and I am capable of sending them.”
“I am noticing this early, which is evidence that I am not slipping.”
Then choose one concrete next step.
Send the email.
Check the class portal.
Put the due dates on the calendar.
Ask someone for the notes.
A plan brings us back into the present. It gives the brain something useful to do instead of allowing it to continue writing an increasingly frightening story.
You can help your young person do this too
When your teen or young adult says, “I’m so behind,” “I always mess everything up,” or “There’s no way I can do this,” resist the urge to immediately say, “That’s not true.”
Instead, help them slow down the story.
You could ask:
“What happened, and what is your brain saying that it means?”
“Is this something happening right now, or does it remind you of something that happened before?”
“What part of this is within your control?”
“What would help you take one step forward?”
These questions teach young people how to guide their own thinking instead of depending on someone else to make the uncomfortable thoughts disappear.
Intentional thinking does not mean pretending everything is wonderful.
It means recognizing that the first story our brain tells is not always the only story available.
This week, listen for a thought that starts running away from you. Pause and ask:
What are the facts? What story am I adding? What would help me move forward?
Your brain may continue offering the old story. That is okay. Minds need repeated guidance, just like children do.
Your thoughts can ride along, but they do not all get to drive.
You get to steer.
Cynthia
P.S. If your teen or young adult needs help separating anxious thoughts from reality and learning how to take the next step, I offer personalized anxiety coaching for young people ages 14–24.
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"A thought can be loud without being true, familiar without being current, and protective without being helpful."
